We Have Killers Walking Among Us

CATEGORY: Crime-Solving, Murder, How-To

DIVISION: Modern Evil

COMMENT: It couldn't be easier to get away with murder these days. Given the CSI perception of crime-solving, just follow these simple rules and you'll be able to slaughter with a smile on your face and a skip in your step: 1. Never know your victim, 2. Enter and leave the murder scene within seconds, 3. Act entirely at random.












More Murderers Are Getting Away With It

by KAREN HAWKINS

CHICAGO — Despite the rise of DNA fingerprinting and other "CSI"-style crime-fighting wizardry, more and more people in this country are getting away with murder. FBI figures reviewed by The Associated Press show that the homicide clearance rate, as detectives call it, dropped from 91 percent in 1963 _ the first year records were kept in the manner they are now _ to 61 percent in 2007.

Law enforcement officials say the chief reason is a rise in drug- and gang-related killings, which are often impersonal and anonymous, and thus harder to solve than slayings among family members or friends. As a result, police departments are carrying an ever-growing number of "cold-case" murders on their books.

"We have killers walking among us. We have killers living in our neighborhoods," said Howard Morton, executive director of Families of Homicide Victims and Missing Persons. "It is a clear threat to public safety to allow these murders to go unsolved."

The clearance rate is the number of homicides solved in a year, compared with the number of killings committed that year. The solved killings can include homicides committed in previous years.

The number of criminal homicides committed in the U.S. climbed from 4,566 in 1963 to 14,811 in 2007, according to the FBI. The clearance rate has been dropping pretty steadily over the past four decades, slipping under 80 percent in the early 1970s and below 70 percent in the late 1980s. In cities with populations over 1 million, the 2007 clearance rate was 59 percent, down from 89 percent in 1963.

Detectives say homicides generally become harder to solve as time goes by, as witnesses die and memories fade. Yet cold-case detectives say their units are often understaffed. And local police are getting less help for cold cases from Washington. Funding for the main federal program for such cases was cut 40 percent from 2005 to 2007.

Richard Walton, author of "Cold Case Homicides: Practical Investigative Techniques," attributed the falling clearance rate to a "significant change in crime patterns."

Many slayings nowadays are gang- and drug-related killings _ often, drive-by shootings that involve a burst of gunfire so indiscriminate that killer and victim don't know each other.

"And that makes it difficult for investigators," Walton said. "With the gangs and the drugs, we don't have that ability to establish motive, opportunity and means."


>> Read the Article

Fake Penis Felony

CATEGORY: Felony, Fake Penis, Drug Test

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

NOTE: Shooting bottles in the woods or target practice on the range is OK, but take your loaded weapon into a bank and wave it around - now, you've got problems. A fake penis works the same way. Waggle it happily at a party or shoot ketchup through it in the privacy of your own home - it's all good. But use it to subvert drug tests and you'll be locked up where the waggle parties are nasty.



















H.B. Man Pleads Guilty to Selling Fake Penis to Cheat Drug Tests

Reports: Robert Dennis Catalano helped sell Whizzinator, Yellow River devices, designed to thwart drug tests.

By ANNIE BURRIS

A Huntington Beach man pleaded guilty before a U.S. District Court in Pittsburgh this week to selling products such as the Whizzinator, which has a prosthetic penis to help people cheat workplace drug tests, according to published reports.

Robert Dennis Catalano, 62, of Huntington Beach; George W. Wills, 65, of San Pedro; and their company Puck Technology Inc., in Signal Hill, pleaded guilty Monday to conspiracy to defraud the government and conspiracy to sell drug paraphernalia, according to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.

Contraptions called the Whizzinator, Yellow River and Number 1 sold by the company allowed men and women to simulate urination in order to register a false negative during testing, the Review said.

The Whizzinator attracted the attention of Congress in 2005 when a National Football League player tried to cheat a drug test. Then-Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was detained at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with the prosthetic and a packet of dehydrated urine. A House subcommittee held a hearing but no action was ever taken, reports said.

Actor Tom Sizemore also was caught with one after he attempted to evade drug tests while on probation, reports said.

Company website pucktechnology.wbx-staging.com, which is still online, said "The Whizzinator is an easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It is designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time and has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions."

The devices were sold from October 2005 through May 2008. If convicted, Catalano and Wills could face up to eight years in prison and a fine of $500,000, reports said.

As part of the investigation, undercover purchases of the products were made on Sept. 8, 2006, and Feb. 7, 2007. The company has stopped operating, according to the paper.

Sentencing is scheduled for Feb. 20 before U.S. District Judge David S. Cercone, reports said.

Death Diamonds and Necro-Knick-Knacks

CATEGORY: Jewelry, Death, Remembrance

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

EDITORIAL: What can't you create out of a dead body?! Really, that's the shorter list. So in the spirit of embalming, The Modern Evil Company announces an entire line of lucite-based products: Necro-Knick-Knacks. From paperweights to picture frames, Necro-Knick-Knacks are those indispensable gadgets that are handy for the home or office and do double-duty as death keepsakes. With a lifetime guarantee, you'll never forget where your loved ones are.
















What is a LifeGem?

The LifeGem is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another.

LifeGem diamonds are molecularly identical to natural diamonds found at any high-end jeweler. To qualify as diamonds, they must have the exact same brilliance, fire, and hardness (the hardest substance known) as diamonds from the earth, and of course, they do!

LifeGem diamonds are created individually from your specific carbon source in our patented process.

Whether you've lost a loved one or simply want to celebrate your love, the LifeGem diamond provides a way to embrace your loved one’s memory day by day. The LifeGem is the most unique and timeless tribute available for creating a testimony to their unique life.

Your LifeGem memorial will offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does.

Death Frosting

This was plucked off the top of a muffin this morning, and we're still not quite sure whether it's animal, vegetable or mineral.
























If you are a baker or food designer of any kind and can tell us what this is - please drop us a line thru Modern Evil Public Relations and let us know if we can really eat this.

What We Just Learned from "Sweetest Day"

CATEGORY: Concocted Promotions, Lobby Groups

DIVISION: Modern Evil PR

EDITORIAL: How has this brilliant bit of sweet-tooth manipulation eluded us for so long?! Sweetest Day - this Saturday, October 18th - is a day created by the candy-makers retailing/lobbying association for the sole purpose of increasing sales of candy. And the genius of it all is that everyone goes along with it.

















Well, you can see where this is going.

The Modern Evil Company officially announces "The Truly Evil Day" - [date to be announced later] - the day when everyone is encouraged to do something bad.

All of us have at least 1 rotten thing inside of us that we'd love to inflict on a deserving jerk, right? So here's the chance to do a bit of evil AND have it sanctioned.

After we co-ordinate with the major players such as Hallmark, Nestle and Anheuser-Busch, we'll let you know the exact date for the new annual celebration - Truly Evil Day.

Going Out In Style

CATEGORY: Coffins, Death, Burial

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

NOTE: You can't choose when you go, but you can certainly choose your style. Cliche'd coffins just won't do. Africans are customizing their final resting places - Why not you?!

Coming Soon - The Custom Coffin Service from Modern Evil.











Coffins From Ghana

For the Ga tribe in coastal Ghana, funerals are a time of mourning, but also of celebration. The Ga people believe that when their loved ones die, they move on into another life -- and the Ga make sure they do so in style. They honor their dead with brightly colored coffins that celebrate the way they lived.

The coffins are designed to represent an aspect of the dead person's life -- such as a car if they were a driver, a fish if their livelihood was the sea -- or a sewing machine for a seamstress. They might also symbolize a vice -- such as a bottle of beer or a cigarette.

Ablade Glover, an artist who works with the carpenters, says the coffin acts as a home in the afterlife, so it must be beautiful. But he laments that after putting so much time into creating the coffin, it gets hidden underground.

"By the end of the day, they are going to bury this thing, which has taken so much time, so much energy?" he says.

Killer Robot Plans, DIY and You

CATEGORY: Killer Robots, Suicide, DIY

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products, R&D

NOTE: Killer Robots are the backbone of every nefarious scheme - from world domination all the way down to driveway suicide. But giving away the blueprints to the DIY crowd is like showing your hand before the flop. So while we meet with our internal Products Division, we'd like to remind you that our fantastic line of Killer Robots are all ICC-Approved and finance-ready for overnight shipping within the continental U.S.










Man, 81, Kills Himself with Shot from 'Suicide Robot'

Fran Yeoman

An elderly man has killed himself by programming a robot to shoot him in the head after building the machine from plans downloaded from the internet.

Francis Tovey, 81, who lived alone in Burleigh Heads on the Australian Gold Coast, was found dead in his driveway.

According to the Gold Coast Bulletin, he had been unhappy about the demands of relatives living elsewhere in Australia that he should move out of his home and into care.

Notes left by Mr Tovey — who was born in England — revealed that he had scoured the internet for plans before constructing his complex machine, which involved a jigsaw power tool and was connected to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets. It could fire multiple shots once triggered remotely.

At 7am on Tuesday he set the robot up in the driveway of his £450,000 house and activated it.

His notes suggested that Mr Tovey chose to kill himself in the driveway because he knew there were workmen building a new house next door who would find his body.

The scheme worked, as carpenter Daniel Skewes heard gunshots and ran to Mr Tovey's home. "I thought I heard three shots and when we ran next door he was lying on the driveway with gunshot wounds to the head," Mr Skewes told the GCB.

A neighbour, who did not want to be named, told the newspaper that Mr Tovey had lived at his home on Gabrielle Grove since 1984. "He was a really marvellous man, an ideal neighbour and I will miss him greatly," she said.

"He was born in England, like I was, and we used to enjoy our tea together. He had visitors from England and family interstate from somewhere far away in Australia.

"There was no inkling of anything amiss, it is just very sad."