Who Offended Who

CATEGORY: Anal Probe, Potato, Clergy

DIVISION: Modern Evil

COMMENT: It's human nature; we find a hole, we want to explore it. But when we get caught with our hand in the cookie jar AND THEN BLAME the cookie jar - well, that's just weak. The historic litany of priestly offenses aside, would you trust a vicar who won't be honest with himself?









Jacksie Potato

By ALASTAIR TAYLOR

A VICAR turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.

The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap.

The embarrassed reverend, in his 50s, had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the offending vegetable.

The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

“But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

She admitted some sex-related emergencies had made staff chuckle. But she urged anyone contemplating sticking something where the sun doesn’t shine to think again.

Ms Watson said: “My advice? Don’t do it.

“It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening.

“Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

Health staff across Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham and Doncaster say they are no longer surprised at the things people use to spice up fun in the bedroom.

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

“But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

"Priest" Brand Perfumes

CATEGORY: Religious Sales, Iconography

DIVISION: Products

COMMENTARY: Why didn't we think of this?! A "Priest" brand! Clothing, gear, consumables - the works! Taking something so common, so omnipresent in world culture, and trademarking it so that you can make a killing on the free market. This is such a good idea Father Jankowski that we'll race you to it.











Priest Plans His Own Perfumes

Tue Jul 3, 2007 9:41AM EDT

WARSAW (Reuters) - A prominent Polish cleric known for preaching against communism and for his anti-Semitic remarks said on Tuesday he planned to launch perfumes, clothing and cafes branded with his image.

Father Henryk Jankowski took part in strikes which led to the end of communism in 1989 as part of Solidarity movement. He was later suspended from preaching for a year after insulting remarks about Jews.

Setting out his plans, Jankowski told the daily Dziennik newspaper that his initiative would "do everyone good."

"I am for it as long as it serves a good purpose. If necessary I will also sing and dance," he said.

The money from the initiative would go to the "Father Henryk Jankowski Institute," which says it supports charities and social projects.

Jankowski, who already has a wine branded with his image under the name "Monsignore," said he would be on the panel for "castings" of waitresses for the 16 cafes he plans to open in major Polish cities.

Jankowski is admired by many Catholics for his role in supporting Solidarity.