FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT:

As a privately held company, Modern Evil is not required to publicly report on any of its operations or activities. This blog is a faint reflection of our interests and opinions. Thank you.

~ Dr. Archibald T. Staph, Ph.D, President

6.11.08

Made-Up Holiday Confusion

CATEGORY: National Holidays, Fake, Mix Up

DIVISION: Modern Evil

NOTE: To sort out the confusion once and for all - today, Nov.6 is National Men Make Dinner Day; Saturday, Nov. 8 is National Wake Up In Your Own Vomit Day; and Sunday, Nov.9 is National Shut the Hell Up and Get Me Another Beer, Bitch Day.













What the Heck is National Men Make Dinner Day?


Whoah! Put on the brakes! Stop right there! Freeze! Ask yourself THIS QUESTION:

Are you a man who makes dinner on a regular or semi-regular basis?

If the answer is ‘YES”, do not go any further!

National Men Make Dinner Day is NOT for you!

OK, now since you’ve continued reading, we assume that you are a man who NEVER cooks. And that you fit the profile of the ‘men’ who have inspired this once-a-year occasion.

The ideal participant in ‘National Men Make Dinner Day’ is the man who:

  • helps with household chores
  • has a sense of humour and is a great all-around guy
  • loves his wife/girlfriend, kids and pets
  • BUT NEVER LEARNED HOW TO COOK, and is somewhat afraid of the idea

Officially celebrated on the FIRST THURSDAY OF EVERY NOVEMBER, "National Men Make Dinner Day" is for you!!

One guaranteed meal cooked by the man of the house one day of the year!

5.11.08

Something Goes Wrong - Crichton Arrives in Hell

CATEGORY: Michael Crichton, Death, Hell

DIVISION: Modern Evil

NOTE: Just like the scenarios in every one of his novels/movies/TV shows, something has gone horribly wrong in the recent passing of Michael Crichton. Our reports confirm that instead of resting in peace, Mr.Crichton has instead arrived in Hell and is desperately trying to escape. We're not sure how this one will end - but we urge him to avoid the velociraptors.












Michael Crichton, Dead at 66

Author Michael Crichton has died at age 66 after "a private battle with cancer." Crichton's career was probably one of a kind: After training as a doctor at Harvard and working as a fellow at the Jonas Salk Institute, he became a bestselling author, then a successful screenwriter, award-winning movie director and TV producer. The move "Jurassic Park," based on his book and on which he shared screenwriting credit, is the No. 10 top grossing film of all time.

Crichton first reached the bestseller lists in 1969 with his book "The Andromeda Strain." "This book recounts the five-day history of a major American scientific crisis," the acknowledgments page begins. It seems to chronicle an actual event, including "real" scientific documents and transcribed communications of a crisis of Earth's contamination by an extraterrestrial microorganism.

A man with binoculars. That is how it began: with a man standing by the side of the road, on a crest overlooking a small Arizona town, on a winter night.

Lieutenant Roger Shawn must have found the binoculars difficult. The metal would be cold, and he would be clumsy in his fur parka and heavy gloves. His breath, hissing out into the moonlit air, would have fogged the lenses. He would be forced to pause to wipe them frequently, using a stubby gloved finger.

He could not have known the futility of this action. Binoculars were worthless to see into that town and uncover its secrets. He would have been astonished to learn that the men who finally succeed used instruments a million times more powerful than binoculars.

There is something sad, foolish, and human in the image of Shawn leaning against a boulder, propping his arms on it, and holding the binoculars to his eyes. Though cumbersome, the binoculars would at least feel comfortable and familiar in his hands. It would be one of the last familiar sensations before his death.

In my 1970 Dell paperback, that's the end of Page 1. Pow! He sets the reader up, gets you right into Shawn's place in that cold night, holding binoculars and leaning on that boulder, then he kills him. All at once you want to know more: What killed him? What happened? Who's telling this story, and how does he know all this? And as he gets these questions going, he implies to the reader that they're like Shawn in another way: This book is going to feel unfamiliar. But the storytelling voice has enough confidence (the storyteller survived, and knows all) that you're reassured that you're in good hands.

Crichton liked to put his characters in a scientifically manipulated peril. He did it again in the film "Westworld," in which lifelike human robots in an amusement park run amok. In "Jurassic Park" too; there, re-vivified dinosaurs in an amusement park run amok. Then there was "Congo," in which scientists on an expedition are attacked by strange gorillas; "Prey," in which nanotechnology goes wrong; and "Next," in which genetic engineering goes wrong.

In 2004, Crichton stirred controversy by questioning global warming in his book "State of Fear" and making statements such as "I'm saying that environmental organizations are fomenting false fears in order to promote agendas and make money."

The Inexactitudes of Stoning

CATEGORY: Sharia Law, Far-Flung-Faith Tours

DIVISION:
Modern Evil Products

FOLLOW-UP: What didn't sit right with us the first go-around was the fact that the woman stoned to death "asked to be charged and punished for the crime she committed". Under Sharia or any other law, criminals don't normally turn themselves in. Note then - the story is now corrected, so book your Far-Flung-Faith Tour to marvelous Mogadishu soon!








Stoning Victim 'Begged for Mercy'

A young woman recently stoned to death in Somalia first pleaded for her life, a witness has told the BBC.

"Don't kill me, don't kill me," she said, according to the man who wanted to remain anonymous. A few minutes later, more than 50 men threw stones.

Human rights group Amnesty International says the victim was a 13-year-old girl who had been raped.

Initial reports had said she was a 23-year-old woman who had confessed to adultery before a Sharia court.

Numerous eye-witnesses say she was forced into a hole, buried up to her neck then pelted with stones until she died in front of more than 1,000 people last week.

Meanwhile, Islamists in the capital, Mogadishu have carried out a public flogging.

Mogadishu is nominally under the control of government forces and their Ethiopian allies, who face frequent attacks by Islamist and nationalist insurgents.

The BBC's Mohammed Olad Hassan in the city says the flogging was a show of strength.

He says two men accused of helping to kill a man and torture his mother, who they accused of theft, were each given 39 lashes in the north-eastern suburb of Suqa-hola.

The man who actually killed the alleged thief was released, after agreeing to pay his family 100 camels in compensation.

Before the flogging, hundreds of Islamist fighters performed a military parade, our reporter says.


Death Threats

Cameras were banned from the stoning in Kismayo, but print and radio journalists who were allowed to attend estimated that the woman, Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow, was 23 years old.

However, Amnesty said it had learned she was 13, and that her father had said she was raped by three men.

When the family tried to report the rape, the girl was accused of adultery and detained, Amnesty said.

Convicting a girl of 13 for adultery would be illegal under Islamic law.

A human rights activist in the town told the BBC on condition of anonymity that he had received death threats from the Islamic militia, who accuse him of spreading false information about the incident.

He denies having anything to with Amnesty's report.


Crying

Court authorities have said the woman came to them admitting her guilt.

She was asked several times to review her confession but she stressed that she wanted Sharia law and the deserved punishment to apply, they said.

But a witness who spoke to the BBC's Today programme said she had been crying and had to be forced into a hole before the stoning, reported to have taken place in a football stadium.

"More than 1,000 people arrived there," he said.

"After two hours, the Islamic administration in Kismayo brought the lady to the place and when she came out she said: 'What do you want from me?'"

"They said: 'We will do what Allah has instructed us'. She said: 'I'm not going, I'm not going. Don't kill me, don't kill me.'

"A few minutes later more than 50 men tried to stone her."


Checked by Nurses

The witness said people crowding round to see the execution said it was "awful".

"People were saying this was not good for Sharia law, this was not good for human rights, this was not good for anything."

But no-one tried to stop the Islamist officials, who were armed, the witness said. He said one boy was shot in the confusion.

According to Amnesty International, nurses were sent to check during the stoning whether the victim was still alive. They removed her from the ground and declared that she was, before she was replaced so the stoning could continue.

The port of Kismayo was seized in August by a coalition of forces loyal to rebel leader Hassan Turki, and al-Shabab, the country's main radical Islamist insurgent organisation.

Mr. Turki is on the US list of "financers of terrorism".

It was the first reported execution by stoning in the southern port city since Islamist insurgents captured it.

The BBC had a reporter in the area, but he was shot dead in Kismayo in June.

4.11.08

Direct from Art Forum Berlin

There's just something wonderfully wrong with this picture.


















"Chapman Brothers," 2007, by Laurina Paperina.

Art Forum Berlin 2008

Who Offended Who

CATEGORY: Anal Probe, Potato, Clergy

DIVISION: Modern Evil

COMMENT: It's human nature; we find a hole, we want to explore it. But when we get caught with our hand in the cookie jar AND THEN BLAME the cookie jar - well, that's just weak. The historic litany of priestly offenses aside, would you trust a vicar who won't be honest with himself?









Jacksie Potato

By ALASTAIR TAYLOR

A VICAR turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.

The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap.

The embarrassed reverend, in his 50s, had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the offending vegetable.

The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

“But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

She admitted some sex-related emergencies had made staff chuckle. But she urged anyone contemplating sticking something where the sun doesn’t shine to think again.

Ms Watson said: “My advice? Don’t do it.

“It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening.

“Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

Health staff across Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham and Doncaster say they are no longer surprised at the things people use to spice up fun in the bedroom.

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

“But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”